So I know I just wrote earlier today, but I wanted to get on here and tell about something that just happened to me. So tonight I went and quit show choir--the quitting wasn't too bad, but it was what followed that was tough. Mr. Reckner talked to me about a lot of what has been going on with me. Kathy listened and interjected occasionally. Anyways, I walked away from that meeting crying and feeling as though everything I feared of myself really was true---I was just a big lazy loser who quit school and was at home, etc etc etc... But then I called a friend of mine and she was really an encouragement. She told me that when we get into that hole, we have to go out on a limb and just trust God to pull us out. To put Him to the ultimate test and see what He would do--and that He really would be there--it made our faith personal type thing.

So that's what I did...I'm at my sister's again...imagine that lol. And on the drive over here I started talking to God. Giving Him all of this, the entire, messy lot that it is. I told Him that I had tried doing it on my own and all I had done was make a mess of things. There's this song I've heard about this woman on a street who is in rags and this man comes up to her and I think He asks her to be his bride. He saw her beauty. And I told God that was how I felt. That all I am is a pile of dirty rags--I'm in shambles. But that I know in His eyes, am beautiful. That He sees what will come of me and knows that it is beautiful. So I gave it all...everything I have, had, am...all my hurts, heartaches, all the biting comments, all of it. I laid it at His feet and asked Him to take it. I asked Him to break my will and make it His will. To take the selfishness in me that wants my way, out. And to make His will, desires, ambitions, etc...mine too. I gave him my love life. I told Him I imagined Him holding my love story in His hand, waiting for the moment when He can let it out or begin to write it. And that He has something absolutely amazing for me. And I challenged Him. I told Him that I knew He didn't have to prove anything to me--he had already proved His love to me, but that because I was His child, His princess, would He please take this mess and prove His faithfulness to me. I was giving it all to Him and asked Him to make something of it bc I had tried and had made a mess and He was the One who knew best and could make something beautiful out of it. And then I asked Him to wrap me in His arms, protect me, and hold me.

And He did...all of that. And probably more...I can't explain it really. But there was a point where I really felt something inside of me break? I don't know, it's hard to explain. But God did something. Something big. And I have to thank Him for that. And praise Him because He is an amazing God. And now I have hope. I have the hope and the knowledge that God is going to pull me through this. That He is reaching in and will pull me out of this hole. Maybe not immediately or not all at once, but it's begun. The utter despair is not there because I know God has it now and will take care of it. And there's a peace, a peace that truly is beyond explanation. A peace that I know He is in control and I am in His arms. That He is taking care of it, working it out, making me into a better person because of it, that I am His Princess that He desperately loves, who He would move mountains for. I am loved. I can trust Him. I am being held in His arms right at this moment. And it's amazing. A love like this is hard to explain and a trust this big is hard to reach out and grasp, but it's worth it. And I know it's all going to work out. Lord, thank you for your amazingness. You truly are my Father, Prince in shining armor, shelter from life's storm, my confidant, and the One I can trust above all others--who will never ever ever let me down. I love You, Lord--so much...your daughter and princess,

Em

Hey Hey all!! So today is going pretty well  I recieved a card from my aunt Deanna who has been through what I'm going through right now--or at least a lot of it. She understands too the way my family works and stuff....she disagreed with what Jen said---that I was trying to manipulate to get attention and stuff....it was nice to hear someone who knows me and my family, disagree. Hopefully one day next week I am going to visit her and we are going to just talk. It will be nice to completely release all of what's on me to someone who I believe really understands. (not necessarily release, but unburden myself to her). And what is so much better is she understands how my family works--how my mother means well, but can drive a person nuts. How, dispite my love for my family, I really want to have my own place. Anyways, I'm excited about the opportunity to talk to her. I think it will be very beneficial.

So my friend Lorenda is coming to stay with me this weekend. That is exciting. Saturday we're going to this seminar thing up near Cincy and Sunday night we're going to Milton to hear Singing Friends (I think) sing. It will be fun having her here I think. Anyways, wanted to write while I wasn't all depressed. LOL. I seem to write mainly when I'm upset. Go figure.

Hope all are doing well!!! Keep me in your prayers if you think of me...I have a lot of big decisions to make and I'm not sure which way is the right way. Love you all!!

Em

**Oh one more thing!!!! So I haven't been much of a cook in the past but I have decided to learn and to prove to my family I'm responsible. Anyways, I cooked supper tonight and I made sloppy joe homemade (my mom had already cooked the hamburger) but it turned out really well!! Anyways, jsut wanted to share my excitement....

Life is interesting. The one person I hate to even think about hurting I think I really hurt. Or at the very least greatly damaged our friendship. How could something I thought was so right seem to be the worst thing I could have done? Why should he trust me? He has no reason to really. I have proved nothing to him. I'm so sorry...

I'm at my sister's right now. Been online forever it seems. Reading and writing. Writing is becoming a great outlet for me. I'm not a great poet or novelist or anything. But the simply getting my thoughts down is really helpful for me. And in case your wondering, I have another site that only a select few have knowledge of. That's where some things are laid out for all the world to see...Lol.

Thanks Tabby for all your encouraging notes!! I love you and really miss you!! I hope you are doing well and I'm sure God is using you somewhere in an awesome way!!!!!

Esther and Christi--thanks for your posts!! I love you both lots and your friendships to me at school have meant a lot!! Esther, one could not ask for a better roomate than you--you are amazing. I hope to someday be such a shining example of Jesus. And Christi, girl, keep your chin up. If anyone knows how tough the pressures of the music dept are, you're looking at her. But I have faith in you and your abilities. And one day, all your hard work is really going to pay off. Thanks for all our music hall/dept/staff/work/practicing, etc...venting sessions--and all the tears that went along with them ;)

Later all!

Wow--emotions are interesting things, don't you think? You can be so happy about something and totally down in the dumps at the same time. I just had an awesome answer to prayer--or the beginnings of one and I am so excited and happy!! But I guess we'll just see what happens.  

As for the down in the dumps part... I feel like, hm....I feel as though I am a needy person and am tired of feeling needy. I'm tired of having to rely on and lean on people for strength. I know my ultimate strength comes from God, but having someone here on earth to lean on definately helps. I've realized some things in my life that have always been wants, desires, or just things I wanted because "everyone" around me had them, are becoming needs in my life now. Hm, how does one explain? So I just wrote about growing up and stepping out and doing things for myself. Well, there has been something inside of me that has clicked or something, and my desire for a man's love for instance, isn't so much just a desire, it's a need, or at least a womanly need. Girls, any of you know what I am talking about? But it's not just that I am talking about. There are other things as well, but...well, enough about that for now...

Another thing, I just had a very long talk with my sister. And well, she said some things that cut me very deeply. And I felt as though I lost the support of my mom and my sister. And now I feel even more alone....can that be possible? But it is. I want to hide from everyone. They all think I'm just a lazy "case" anyways. At least it feels like it. How the two of them could ever even THINK those things about me is beyond me and hurts. Because it shows me just how little they think of me. That they could even begin to think that cuts me so deep. I don't want to talk to either of them anymore. Obviously they don't understand. So where does that leave me? I don't want to go home because if I do, there's my mom who thought/thinks that of me. She doesn't understand what's happening to me--or just thinks its "nothing." Well, maybe not nothing but that some of its maybe not real, or well, I dunno....But it makes me want to scream. Why in this insane world would I want to confide ANYTHING to her when she could think that of me. And as for my sister.....oh my lands. I don't even know where to start with all this. I know I just want to get away. Far away from them all. I don't want to be around them. I want to curl up somewhere far away where they won't see me. Where or who does that leave me with? There's always God. Thank You Jesus for not leavning me....and there's Ben and Casey. Wow, the list is growing shorter by the minute. And I know I have other friends, but well, you guys all have your own lives...and Whitney is always there for me....but she's married and has her own life....and some of you are far away and ..... what do I do?